Death by a relationship
Good day,
I have been thinking about Samson and how the women in his life made his
life difficult. I asked myself why he would make such decisions i.e., choose those
women in particular. I then decided to write something about it but then did
not know how to start. So, I thought back on my own journey with the Lord and
remembered that I have my own experience that I could share. This story / experience
was an avenue that I believe the Lord used to reinforce His stance on the
nature, as well as quality of relationships that we should have / build as believers. It also revealed my
own hypocrisy as I read about Samson and judged him greatly.
This is by far the most personal that I have ever been with you. Here we
go…
So, did I not have a crush on a man? Yes, I did! This exclamation mark
says it all. I met this guy, and he was funny, kind, compassionate,
understanding, attentive, etc. So, I fell in something (I am not going to call
it love but it was something). Anyway, we became friends and a supportive
friend he was, however, the friendship did not cause my crush on him to die but
it amplified it. This was obviously because of the experiences of care, kindness,
compassion, understanding, support etc., that I encountered in our friendship. Well,
it was also because of the ease at which we became friends, I don’t make friends
easily, so that was surprising.
So, my feelings were worsening by the day, and I was literally talking myself
of the ledge of disaster; why? I will tell you. My dear brother was not saved
but he was a good person, which is where many of us find ourselves stuck. Look,
I initially had hope that he was saved especially when we engaged about the Lord,
but I soon learnt that to him God was just a Creator, as well as a Blesser or giver
and Church was another option of what one could do over the weekend. I should also
be honest and say, prior to fully understanding his relationship with the Lord I
had a bit of hope of my crush becoming something more meaningful; I liked the
idea of a possible ”us”. Before I proceed, I should clarify that I was crushing
on him in secret, I did not share anything with him.
During my “short lived” period of hope in the probability of there being
an “us”, it became very clear that he was not saved, which automatically meant
that I did not have the luxury of entertaining what I felt. This is obviously
because of the instruction given in the Word of God to believers i.e.,
2 Corinthians 6: 14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
This scripture played automatically in my mind over that period. I could
not switch it off. Then began the pain (yes, I am calling it pain – emotional pain)
of obedience and not seeing prospect in what initially looked like the bar /
standard i.e., he had most of the qualities that were appealing. Look, I know
he wasn’t the bar because he lacked the most important thing, no question asked,
no doubt whatsoever. This, however, did not make it any easier (and yes, it was
a secret and was unrequited, but my emotions were so real😊). I prayed,
I cried (I mean real tears), I meditated on scripture, I confessed, but believe
me when I tell you: did the feelings not intensify? Imagine my shock, anger, frustration,
and everything else that came with disbelief. I am actually surprised that I did
not become a motivational speaker, coach, or chief mourner during that period,
because man was I loaded inside i.e., content, tears, everything.
Anyway, that is when it became apparent that my flesh was fighting me
and satan was fanning the flames. I remember literally asking a dear friend why?
why me? Why did I have to experience that? why the tears? Simple, I was and
remain a proponent of godly relationship; I have been singing “be not unequally
yoked” to people in my life and then I fall into a situationship of feelings. That
was a bitter pill to swallow. I know that one would argue that it is not a big
deal because it was not something known by the other party or even entertained.
I get that point of departure, but I argue that it was a great deal for me
because of the intensity of the emotions I had, as well as the probable impact
of those emotions on my decision making especially as a believer.
I must say, thinking back on this makes me realise that it was during
this season that my self-righteousness was exposed. Thinking that I was above
board; I had it all figured out and born again, thus would never fall for an
unbeliever. Even how I spoke about this mater with people was with disdain and
not grace or love. I was always concise when it came to such matters: “get over it and walk away.” Look, I am still
advocating for “get over it and walk away” but I have better sense of the
emotions and the difficulty that comes with that decision. This understanding creates
a level of compassion in addressing such matters but does not change the necessity
for making decisions as per the dictates of the Word of God.
What is the difference? Instead of just saying “you are a believer, so get
over this thing and walk away”, I now say, “I am sorry for the difficulties of
this moment and the overwhelming emotions you have regarding your affections
for this person but as a child of God, you cannot pursue or continue with this
relationship as it opposes the very Word of God! Being unequally yoked will
ultimately be to your detriment, thus it is not worth it. So, please walk away
and forget about it.” The objective is to clearly articulate what the Word of
God says whilst also availing your shoulder to this person so that they don’t
feel alone in the process.
Back to my little story…
So, I was at times just overwhelmed with emotions and even feeling like I
was disappointing God by having the feelings that I had. What helped me through
that season was prayer, the Word and confession to God as well as trusted friends.
Those who gave wise counsel. Those who said, “deny yourself”, “press on girl”, “fight”,
“hang in there it will pass” etc. There are two scriptures in addition to 2
Corinthians 6:14 that lived rent free in my mind over the course of my battle
with the flesh i.e.,
Philippians 2: 5 “Let this mind be in you, which was also in
Christ Jesus”
John 14:”13 And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will
I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 If ye shall
ask any thing in my name, I will do it. 15 If ye love me, keep my
commandments. 16 And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you
another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever”
I really had a lot of “Holy Spirit, please help me!” prayers and moments,
as well as serious pep talks to remind myself of God’s Word. It took a bit of time,
but God is faithful. He did not forsake me, He held it together when I was
overwhelmed by emotions, He held me by the hand through self-doubt, through what-if
questions, etc. Today, I can testify and say that I am completely free from
what I felt. I don’t desire to be in a relationship with him; he is still
around and still himself, but the appeal is not there anymore because of the
inner workings of God.
What I did not tell you above is that, on several occasions, when my
heart was really overwhelmed, I would pray to the Lord to visit him and save
him: by far the most self-centered prayers I have ever made. My prayer was for
him to be saved so that he could be a prospect worth entertaining and not necessarily
for him to be sold out to God. It was not about his soul but rather my pleasure
and possibilities. The irony is the mere assumption that his salvation and
perhaps knowledge of my feelings would result in his pursuit of me (you know
that I am laughing at myself right now). I mean, he could be saved and choose
someone else.
Anyway…
What is the point of sharing the above story with you? Well, I am at a
place in my life where I fully believe that the instructions of the Lord are
for my preservation and not destruction. The Word of the Lord played an
incredible role in my overcoming / deliverance / healing in relation to the
above. Seeing what happened to great men and women of God in the Word as a
result of the relationships that they built / nurtured helped me to understand why
God wants us to be in relationships that honour, as well as glorify Him. Various
relationships in the Word of God led to so many losses or gains for God’s chosen
people. I truly believe it when the Word of God says in Romans 15:4,
“For whatever was thus written in former days was written for our
instruction, that by [our steadfast and patient] endurance and the
encouragement [drawn] from the Scriptures we might hold fast to and cherish
hope.” (AMPC)
I maintain that God used His Word to reinforce His stance on
relationships to me. Let’s look at Solomon, Samson, Ahab, David, Ruth, etc. The
types of relationships they had fostered either propelled them to greater heights
or destroyed them. I believe in true love, which in essence is the type of love
which pushes people to God, as well as amplifies His Word and will in their
lives. I believe that when we truly love people, we love them to God, therefore,
any requirement that we have of them should not compromise their relationships
with God or cause them to loose the very identities or purposes that the Lord gave
them. Your love for a person or your relationship should not cause you or them
to have a fallout with God!
Let’s look at Samson and how his love for Delilah would impact his life
and purpose.
Judges: 16: “4 And it came to pass afterward, that he
loved a woman in the valley of Sorek, whose name was Delilah. 5 And
the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and said unto her, Entice him,
and see wherein his great strength lieth, and by what means we may prevail
against him, that we may bind him to afflict him; and we will give thee every
one of us eleven hundred pieces of silver. 6 And Delilah said to
Samson, Tell me, I pray thee, wherein thy great strength lieth, and wherewith
thou mightest be bound to afflict thee.”
Samson loved Delilah despite the fact that she was a philistine. From
the inception, they were unequally yoked. Also, Delilah’s intentions were wicked.
Samson in Judges 14 married another philistine woman, whom his parents were
opposed to, but he insisted on marrying her. That relationship ended badly but
Samson did not learn that being with philistine women would kill him. Delilah
ultimately got her way and Samson ended up imprisoned by the philistines, with
gauged eyes. A man born for the purpose of delivering the children of Israel
from the philistines is a prisoner of the very people he is supposed to defeat.
Judges 13:“5 For, lo, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and no
razor shall come on his head: for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from
the womb: and he shall begin to deliver
Israel out of the hand of the Philistines.”
The most painful thing about Samson’s story is that the adverse consequences
of Delilah’s presence and subsequent actions gave him a compelling reason to
not only abort what God had put in him but to also commit suicide. The children
of Israel were not yet free, there was still much to do; in fact, his imprisonment
created an opportunity for the philistines to continue with their wicked actions.
At the end, he chose to kill those that had gathered to sacrifice to dagon for
his capture, but he also opted for death instead of freedom in order to further
pursue the very purpose of his life / existence. In death he could not continue
liberating his people.
Judges 16: “28 And Samson called unto the Lord, and said,
O Lord God, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this
once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes. 29
And Samson took hold of the two middle pillars upon which the house stood, and
on which it was borne up, of the one with his right hand, and of the other with
his left. 30 And Samson said, Let me die with the Philistines. And
he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and
upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death
were more than they which he slew in his life.”
I believe with all my heart that Samson still had a lot to do and offer
but at this stage he made the decision to end it all. After him, the
philistines continue to be a thorn on the side of the children of Israel. Samuel,
Saul, David, etc. had to fight the Philistines.
Judges 16: “21 But the Philistines took him, and put out
his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of brass;
and he did grind in the prison house. 22 Howbeit the hair of his
head began to grow again after he was shaven.”
Why was verse 22 significant? Let’s look at Judges 16: “17 That he
told her all his heart, and said unto her, There hath not come a razor upon
mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother's womb: if I
be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and
be like any other man.”
Samson’s strength lied in his hair, though the main source of it was
God. When the hair was shaved off, his strength left him. But now, his hair
began to grow. I believe that the reason for mentioning it in the Word is to
show that his strength was returning to him. Also, whenever his strength was
displayed, the Word of God would say that the Spirit of the Lord came upon him.
At the end, He asked God to strengthen him one last time and God heard him. He
could have asked for anything else, and he could have waited a bit longer for
his strength to fully return (no prison could have held him). My point here is that
the growth of his hair showed the existence of the potential for the
restoration of his strength and mandate, he just did not have it in him
anymore.
Let’s take a moment and look at Solomon. Where do I even begin. At his
birth, the Word of God tells us that He was loved by God, that He even sent
Nathan to name him Jedidiah. A man who would grow up to sit on the throne of
David and reign as king over Israel. The man who did not ask for wealth or long
life when afforded the opportunity to ask God for anything; he asked for wisdom
and God gave him everything. The man who would be given the honour of the
responsibility of building the Lord a house, a desire his father had but was
forbidden from fulfilling. He started incredibly well and then he married an Egyptian
woman…it was downhill from there. He would go on to have 700 wives and 300
concubines. A man who feared and loved God would forsake the God who loved him because
of the influences of the women he married. Oh Solomon, what became of this
great man????
Scriptures about Solomon:
2 Samuel 12: 24 And David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and
went in unto her, and lay with her: and she bare a son, and he called his name
Solomon: and the Lord loved him. 25 And he sent by the hand
of Nathan the prophet; and he called his name Jedidiah, because of the Lord.
1 Kings 3: “3 And Solomon loved the Lord, walking in the statutes of David his father:
only he sacrificed and burnt incense in high places.”
1 Kings 3: “9 Give
therefore thy servant an understanding heart to judge thy people, that I may
discern between good and bad: for who is able to judge this thy so great a
people? 10 And the speech pleased the Lord, that Solomon had asked
this thing. 11 And God said unto him, Because thou hast asked this
thing, and hast not asked for thyself long life; neither hast asked riches for
thyself, nor hast asked the life of thine enemies; but hast asked for thyself
understanding to discern judgment; 12 Behold, I have done according
to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that
there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like
unto thee. 13 And I have also given thee that which thou hast not
asked, both riches, and honour: so that there shall not be any among the kings
like unto thee all thy days.
1 Kings 4: “29 And God gave Solomon wisdom and understanding
exceeding much, and largeness of heart, even as the sand that is on the sea
shore. 30 And Solomon's wisdom excelled the wisdom of all the
children of the east country, and all the wisdom of Egypt. 31 For he
was wiser than all men; than Ethan the Ezrahite, and Heman, and Chalcol, and
Darda, the sons of Mahol: and his fame was in all nations round about. 32
And he spake three thousand proverbs: and his songs were a thousand and five.”
1 Kings 11: “1 But king Solomon loved many strange women,
together with the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites,
Edomites, Zidonians, and Hittites:2 Of the nations concerning which
the Lord said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall not go in to them, neither
shall they come in unto you: for surely they will turn away your heart after
their gods: Solomon clave unto these in love. 3 And he had seven
hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned
away his heart. 4 For it came to pass, when Solomon was old, that
his wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not
perfect with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father. 5
For Solomon went after Ashtoreth the goddess of the Zidonians, and after Milcom
the abomination of the Ammonites. 6 And Solomon did evil in the
sight of the Lord, and went not fully after the Lord, as did David his father.”
This man, Solomon, would later write a book called Ecclesiastes, which
detailed the magnitude of his sorrow because of the experiences he had. A book
expressive of grave regret, and the realization that the most sincere and authentic
life to live is a life lived unto the Lord. The life he had at the beginning of
His reign when God was at the centre of everything. At the end of Ecclesiastes
12, Solomon says the following:
8 Vanity of
vanities, saith the preacher; all is vanity.
13 Let us hear the
conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this
is the whole duty of man.
I am afraid I should stop here. Solomon and Samson learnt hard lessons
from ungodly relationships. We have to be willing to learn from them so that we
do not learn through hardship, or great pain. Their relationships led them away
from the path that the Lord had set for them. The instruction to be equally
yoked is for our benefit and not the Lord’s. We stand to loose or even die from
ungodly relationships. I just want to remind us of the privilege we have of
choosing life or death through the relationships we have, so, let us choose
well.
One last thing, there are instances whereby I heard believers speak of
biblical exceptions and tried to plug themselves therein. Firstly, a biblical exception
is God ordained not feelings based. God did not instruct Hosea to marry Gomer
to satisfy Hosea’s desires.
Hosea 1: “1 The word of the Lord that came unto Hosea, the
son of Beeri, in the days of Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah, kings of
Judah, and in the days of Jeroboam the son of Joash, king of Israel. 2
The beginning of the word of the Lord by Hosea. And the Lord said to Hosea,
Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land
hath committed great whoredom, departing from the Lord. 3 So he went
and took Gomer the daughter of Diblaim; which conceived, and bare him a son.
4 And the Lord said unto him, Call his name Jezreel; for yet a
little while, and I will avenge the blood of Jezreel upon the house of Jehu,
and will cause to cease the kingdom of the house of Israel.”
Hosea did not ask God for Gomer. God instructed him to marry her. Why would
a prophet of God choose a prostitute for a wife? Furthermore, Hosea was not led
astray by Gomer. We can also look at Esther as an exception; even her marriage
was for a purpose i.e., the preservation of the lives of the children of Israel
from the wicked plans set in motion by Haman.
If your relationship is a God ordained exception like Hosea’s, what is
the Lord addressing in the nation? We cannot just say it is an exception yet
all it addresses is your desire. The exceptions that stand out in scripture
were not easy and certainly not feelings based. Esther did not dance her way to
the Palace of King Xerxes.
Ok, I seriously need to stop. I am done! Choose well. Set aside feelings
and choose well. This goes beyond choosing a spouse; choose well even in choosing
business partners, friends, etc. Please, with all sincerity, never be ignorant
or oblivious of the influences / impact of those around you.
1 Corinthians 15: 33 Do not be so deceived and misled! Evil
companionships (communion, associations) corrupt and deprave good manners and
morals and character. (AMPC)
Love
Happy
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