The battle of my life

Oddly, I am laughing as always. Such a weird way of starting a blog. I have been struggling with  prayer, lately; also, I have been reading about Isaac and his family, as well as Shem's lineage. The way I have been stuck in studying this subject matter, I just don't want to admit that I am confused. I am even researching historians’ papers on the subject in addition to scripture, as I am utterly clueless. So, to get out of my funk and weird space, I decided to write to you.

 

I recently came across two unpublished blogs that I wrote in 2020 and 2021. I guess I have been trying to be a blogger for a minute. As I read the blogs, I wondered if I should silently post them or just let them be. I am still thinking about it, but they reminded me of what I would call the “battle of my life”. I once tried to write a blog about this titled ”Diary of a fat girl”. For some odd reason, I am laughing myself into a stupor, woooo (as I fan myself). Anyway, I am merely trying to be as open as possible with you. I guess we are about to be very personal, again… here goes nothing!

 

I have always been the fat girl; its ok, you can call it chubby, curvy, voluptuous, etc., which ever adjective you are comfortable with. When I was 12 years old, I was wearing the same dress size as my mom, and through the years I became even bigger than her, thus surpassing her in dress sizes. I went through high school and found that my insecurities about my body were becoming even more real, especially because you become very conscious of yourself when you become a teenager.

 

In grade 10 (when I was 15), I started my weight loss journey (I think I am still on it, that is if I have not quit – I am not always certain). I asked my dad to buy a weight loss product, I don’t even remember how I convinced him to buy it (I probably wore him out with my persistence); he initially refused but at some point gave in and bought it. I religiously followed the instructions and failed dismally at loosing weight. I then went to tertiary and again, among my group of friends, was the biggest, as was the case in primary and high school. My insecurities in relation to my weight further intensified. I must say, I have been blessed with great friends, as much as I felt as I did throughout these stages of my life, they never made me feel out of place; I felt how I felt because of the battle within and not their treatment of me.

 

Fast forward to today, I am by far, and I mean far, the biggest I have ever been in my life. And yes, I weigh myself, but I don’t need a scale to tell me because wow… it is clearly visible and I am even more insecure than I have ever been; shoooo, as I laugh (hey, it’s good to laugh, laugh a bit. It will do you a world of good). By the way, what do they say about laughter? Let me google this and I will come back.

 

(Google ad break)

 

The saying is: “A laugh a day keeps the doctor away.” Also, on 11 November 2022, News 24 published a nice article by Zakiyah Ebrahim on the subject of laughter titled “Fifteen minutes a day keeps the doctor away – why laughter is actually the best medicine.” It’s a good read, you can check it through the following link:

 

https://www.news24.com/life/wellness/mind/fifteen-minutes-a-day-keeps-the-doctor-away-why-laughter-is-actually-the-best-medicine-20221111

 

Back from my google ad break. Now where was I? oh yes, my insecurities worsened. You would think growing up makes things better, hey? But we press on. Anyway, I then transitioned to the workplace, and I went on numerous diets, including the blood type diet. I bought gym equipment and sometimes used it (it’s ok, you are welcome to judge me). I also joined a gym. This worked, I lost weight and was feeling ok, slightly more confident than before. Then I fell and tore a ligament on my right foot; the injury was not well dealt with, and further damage was done. My physiotherapist forbade me from going to gym and I could not stand the blood type diet anymore because I ate the same foods over and over again, such that I found them nauseating.

 

Believe me when I tell you that those decisions that I took (leaving the diet and stopping gym) resulted in significant weight gain, which messed me up emotionally. I have struggled throughout my entire life with my looks more than anything else. I have struggled to see myself or define myself as beautiful or attractive. This is probably the reason why I hate taking pictures (by the way, I never admit to this to anyone, this is definitely a new day). Pictures capture what I don’t like seeing (this was a by the way sentence and now we proceed).

 

I am reminded of a recent occurrence whereby my boss wanted our Team to take a picture. I was wearing my scarf (A staple in my wardrobe), and she wanted me to take it off. Look, my scarves are my armour; I feel bold, confident, strong, and invisible when I am wearing them. By the way, my boss is about 58 years old. Did I not I run out of the boardroom down the passage, towards the main exit door and did my boss (the head of the entire institution) not chase me in her heels (I have to say, my boss rocks her stilettos)? Well, she did not catch me because I was running for my life (that is what happens when you want me to remove my scarf); however, at some point she gave an executive order that I return. When I finally returned, she took a moment to reason with me and I blotted out these words, “I am insecure, so please let me wear my scarf.” She finally let me take a picture with the scarf, but she also felt like she won because I did take the picture, which a rarely do.

 

You know, I am sitting on my sofa, completely baffled by what I am writing. This is subject I seldom talk about; hence, I call it the battle of my life. It is one of those topics that creeps up on me from nowhere and the only one that I talk to about it is God. I remember a few years ago we had a 21 day fast and our pastor said we can have vegetables (it was during Covid), the people around me lost weight; guess what happened to me… you guessed it, I gained weight. It broke my heart, I cried. I literally asked why me, why? I still don’t have the answer, but it is ok.

 

Before I went off the tangent, as always, I was sharing with you that my weight is a topic I discuss only with God. I am literally laughing because I remember years ago, my sister got me a Bruno Mars CD and there was a song called “just the way you are.” I would listen to the song over and over again. Then came my birthday and I was praying, the Lord reminded me of that song. He dropped it in my heart that whenever I hear that song, I should remember that He thinks I am beautiful beyond words, and He loves me. I know that it is a secular song, it however, became my anthem from Him. I have not listened to it in a long time, but It will always remind me that He loves me.

 

Now that I am done reminiscing, I don’t know what you struggle with, or what you are insecure about or what you dislike or even hate about yourself. Look, things may not be as you want, and it is ok. Work at it, go to gym, eat healthy, set goals and work on them but in the process look at yourself with love, grace, kindness. In fact, love yourself as you work on yourself. Invite the Holy Spirit on your journey and begin to see, as well as define yourself as He does. Don’t look down on yourself or embrace even the negative views that other people might have of you.

 

I remember at work, about 14 years ago, a woman who I worked with found me in an elevator and stared at me for a moment. She proceeded to say “you think eating pizza is a luxury. Look at yourself, you are disgusting.” I still remember those words and at the time I was on a diet, but she saw me in my “fatness”, was disgusted and expressed her level of disgust without any reservation. Those words hurt especially because I did not expect someone to say such. Truth be told, for some time after that day, those words echoed in mind and borderline defined me. They caused so much shame, in addition to the shame that had already been there from my childhood. Living with such words on repeat in my mind was detrimental, I had to come to a place where I forgave her and let go of her perception of me because it was hurting me.

 

I am not here to advocate for obesity or unhealthy habits, shame, etc. I am, however, saying that we cannot live quality lives whilst broken by circumstances, outlooks, perceptions, etc. I am saying that we can work on improving ourselves and our conditions without self-hate. Yes, accept what you need to change but change it without self-loathing because you will loose the essence of who you are. Work on yourself internally and externally concurrently. If you don’t address the internal view of self, the beauty of the external will not make a difference.

 

Speak the Word of God over your life and live the Word. Seek the Help of God and wise counsel from those with  the expertise to assist you. Don’t give up on yourself or your quality of life. It was really not my plan to share this, but I always said that I would share what is on my heart. God loves us and these things that cause us to have wrong ideas of self are not His standard. Moses and Jeremiah are among those who disqualified themselves from being used by God because they had “shortcomings”; the Lord chose them regardless. Their issues were not so great to God that He would discard or set them aside. God used them despite “their issues / insecurities.” I so wish you could listen to my pastor’s series on the Judges and how they had their shortcomings but yet God used them.

 

Let me wrap this up (this was supposed to be short). Imagine David not killing Goliath because he was shorter and not a soldier? Imagine Saul / Paul not preaching to the gentiles because he once persecuted the Church. Just imagine how sad and heart wrenching it would be should we not awaken to our purposes in Christ because we fall short or are insecure or even ashamed. We cannot be saved and yet be held back by darkness, even if it is only in our minds. Think differently about yourself!

 

Scriptures:

 

Jeremiah 1: ⁴ The word of the Lord came to me, saying, ⁵ “Before I formed you in the womb I knew[a] you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” ⁶ “Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young. ⁷ But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. ⁸ Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.”

 

Exodus 3: ¹⁰ So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.” ¹¹ But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” ¹² And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you[b] will worship God on this mountain.”

Exodus 4: ¹⁰ Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” ¹¹ The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? ¹² Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” ¹³ But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.”

 

¹⁴ Then the Lord’s anger burned against Moses and he said, “What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and he will be glad to see you. ¹⁵ You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do. ¹⁶ He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him. ¹⁷ But take this staff in your hand so you can perform the signs with it.”

 

Psalm 139: ¹ You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. ² You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. ³ You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. ⁴ Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. ⁵ You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? ⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

 

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, ¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. ¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” ¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. ¹³ For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

 

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. ¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them! ¹⁸ Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.