Pride and self-loathing, the destruction of man

Good day

 

I hope you are well. I have been reading the story of Hagar, Sarai’s handmaid, and I must say I am enjoying it. I have gained such a wealth of valuable insights from this story that I don’t know where I should begin. I am so excited to write to you and share a few things that I have learnt particularly from Hagar’s recorded life in the book of Genesis. I have read this story numerous times in the past few months, and I have had quite a distinct experience, as well as understanding of Hagar.

 

Throughout the story, I could relate to both Hagar and Sarai. I know that we typically see Hagar as the antagonist in the story, but I got to have a different view of her as I read the story this time around. I will most probably write one more blog, if not two, regarding the lessons learnt from Hagar’s life. So, let us start with Genesis 16: 1 - 6

 

^“1Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. She had an Egyptian maid whose name was Hagar. ² And Sarai said to Abram, See here, the Lord has restrained me from bearing [children]. I am asking you to have intercourse with my maid; it may be that I can obtain children by her. And Abram listened to and heeded what Sarai said. ³ So Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar her Egyptian maid, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his [secondary] wife.

 

⁴ And he had intercourse with Hagar, and she became pregnant; and when she saw that she was with child, she looked with contempt upon her mistress and despised her. ⁵ Then Sarai said to Abram, May [the responsibility for] my wrong and deprivation of rights be upon you! I gave my maid into your bosom, and when she saw that she was with child, I was contemptible and despised in her eyes. May the Lord be the judge between you and me.

 

⁶ But Abram said to Sarai, See here, your maid is in your hands and power; do as you please with her. And when Sarai dealt severely with her, humbling and afflicting her, she [Hagar] fled from her.”

 

Hagar was given to Abram to bear him and Sarai a child. Upon falling pregnant, her attitude towards Sarai changed. She forgot her place and assumed a position that was never hers to begin with. She looked at Sarai with contempt and despised her. Let us take a moment and look at a few words so that we have a deeper understanding of what transpired.

 

Merriam -Webster Dictionary

Contempt

·             The act of despising: the state of mind of one who despises: disdain

·             lack of respect or reverence for something

·             the state of being despised

·             Wilful disobedience to or open disrespect of a court, judge, or legislative body

 

Despise

·             to look down on with disrespect or aversion

·             to regard as negligible, worthless, or distasteful

 

Disdain:

·             to look on with scorn

·             to treat as beneath one's notice or dignity

 

Conceiving Abram’s child made Hagar feel like she is better or superior to Sarai. She belittled Sarai and did not regard her. This infuriated Sarai, such that she complained to her husband and blamed him for Hagar’s conduct.

 

Hagar was able to achieve what Sarai could not, at least at that time. She believed she had the advantage. Well, I have been there. I have experienced being "a Hagar"—possessing something I believed was outstanding, better, valuable, or extremely precious, and then feeling pompous about it. I, at the time, looked up at myself and acted superior to those that did not have what I had (self-lording at its best). It was not the intention, but how I felt, walked, and behaved in their presence was evidence of my self-righteousness, lording, over-esteem, and foolish assumption of superiority. I had pride, and my ego was stroked: I honestly believe that the notion of having “something more or different” gave me a false sense of being better (the lies we tell ourselves—sheer foolishness).

 

Look, I have had conversations with myself arguing that I was merely being confident, but with an in-depth look at how I felt, as well as wanted to be received and seen, I realized that I was full of pride. Confidence is good; it starts within and exudes outwardly, and it is not subject to anyone’s reception but rather how you see yourself and embody the assurance of who you are in a healthy manner. A healthy dose of confidence is beneficial for us; it makes us more assertive and assured.

 

Pride is similar but extreme. Pride can manifest as an extreme admiration for oneself, where a person excessively esteems and admires their achievements or personal growth, relationships / associations, individual / familial status, wealth, etc. (this overexaggerated confidence often thaws into conceit). It can also be evident in how you see yourself and require (I just do not want to say demand… oh well, I have already said it) / demand that others would see, recognize, and acknowledge you; their responses of incredible esteem and awe begin to build overconfidence in you. In this case, it is the demand for external recognition and esteem to attain some sense of validation, as well as superiority.

 

When I really take time to ponder about pride, arrogance and egotism, I find that some people do not feel worthy or valuable solely as people until something seemingly profound takes place in their lives and they begin to attach their worth to it. Their accomplishments, titles, etc. give them value, as well as identities of success that were previously not there (the look at me, I made it syndrome). Like I said, there is nothing wrong with a good dose of confidence, but there is something completely wrong with an exaggerated sense of self-importance, arrogance, inflated perception of accomplishment, etc.

 

Hagar was a servant: her life revolved around serving Sarai and her family. This may have defined her worth and identity throughout her service, until she had the opportunity to make a more significant contribution to the family by bearing the child they believed would become Abram’s heir (hey, it was a thought, God had a different heir in mind). I would like to believe that the idea that she was carrying Abram’s heir made her feel like a queen (for lack of a better word) and not just a servant, even if it were just for a moment: she had greater value than before.

 

How many of us have been there? Well, I think a few of us have been. We have devalued or looked down on ourselves because of where we come from, our past experiences, socio-economic standings, professions, failures, even where we currently are in life, etc. When one or more incredible thing(s) happen and we suddenly feel alive, valuable, and worthy, then we want it to be known that we are more than what we were or were thought to be. This is when we begin craving adoration, admiration, recognition, reverence, acknowledgement, etc. We then begin developing façades and having an exaggerated sense of self-importance, among other things. I, Happy, with my novice psychology expertise, genuinely think that pride, arrogance, etc., are symptoms of underlying identity and self-worth issues.

People sometimes just want to feel good about themselves, but their inability to establish how causes them to resort to pride and arrogance. By the way, I need to clarify one thing: this is not a one-size-fits-all saga—I am not generalizing. There are people who are just self-absorbed and want everything to be about them (it is still indicative of a deeper issue, though).

 

Moving on…

 

I, too, have been “a Sarai.” I have been a recipient of “Hagar’s conduct.” I have been looked down on because I lacked certain things and abilities. Believe me when I tell you that feeling less or inferior hurts incredibly on its own. Now imagine the impact when one deliberately sets out to make you feel that way. Being made to feel less, whether intentionally or unintentionally, made me insecure and uncertain of myself. It made me question a lot, including my self-worth. I should say, when insecurities, uncertainty, self-doubt, and self-pity kick in, jealousy, envy, and covetousness draw near. At some point, you are going to wake up and think to yourself, “That should have been me” or “That should have been mine.” It also has the potential of breeding entitlement and depression in a person.

 

Please understand, inferiority issues do not all stem from how someone intentionally sets out to make another feel. Sometimes, people are just going about their business confidently, but because of one’s low self-esteem and self-perception, they offensively or negatively receive those people’s actions. They feel devalued, unwanted, rejected, dejected, and belittled not because they are seen or treated that way by others but because they see and treat themselves that way. They are merely projecting their own negative sense of self.

 

I think, no, let us rephrase, I can argue (that’s more like it) that this is where some of Joseph’s brothers found themselves even prior to the dreams he had. Joseph never intended to demean anyone, but they seemed to read negativity from what he said solely based on their self-perception. I must clearly express that Jacob/Israel did not improve the situation by showing favouritism. He unknowingly made Joseph’s life difficult and distorted his other sons’ perceptions of themselves, along with their sense of belonging.

 

One’s perception of self has the potential to destroy or build them. We cannot fully explore this matter without recording that one’s perception of self is an outcome of various factors. Joseph’s sons felt small, insignificant, undervalued, etc. because of Jacob/Israel’s treatment/behaviour and perhaps other factors. He instilled a sense of inferiority in them, yet they accepted this feeling, which ultimately gave rise to resentment, anger, bitterness, self-preservation, and wickedness, among other emotions. As we proceed, may we please learn from Joseph about oversharing (even with our loved ones)? We don’t have to share everything; some things should be for us and God, steward them privately!

 

Also, let’s have a two-minute detour, please.

 

Why did Jacob / Israel embrace favouritism? I mean, he comes from a family torn by it. He was his mother’s favourite, whilst Esau was his father’s favourite. The parents made decisions based on favouritism, not God's will or the family's best interests. Their approach to parenting and some decisions stripped their family of unity, peace, and trust. He knows the outcome of favouritism and its significant impact on the ability of a family to cohesively progress. So, why do it?

 

Yes, the Bible says God wanted Jacob to be the patriarchal and covenantal leader of the family, but his parents' method of blessing him was not ideal. That process could have unfolded in a manner that nurtured peace, oneness, and family. Isaac could have asked God for guidance, and Rebecca could have reminded him of the twins' birth and what was said; they could have then acted on God's will. This is just my thought.

 

I honestly think that the way things unfolded was heartbreaking. Towards the end of this matter, when Jacob was about to be sent to his uncle Laban’s house, Rebecca uttered very painful words; she said, “When your brother is no longer angry with you and forgets what you did to him, I’ll send word for you to come back from there. Why should I lose both of you in one day?” Genesis 27:45 Rebecca knew that she lost Esau as a son because of the events that unfolded, and she was not willing to lose Jacob. I am not saying that had they approached things differently and executed God’s will, Esau would have agreed or not been hurt; I am saying they could have still tried to handle things better to create room for a better probability or outcome. They will never know.

 

By the way, I should note that Jacob learnt from his father's mistake / decision and did not repeat the same later when he blessed Joseph’s children. Genesis 48: 11 – 20 (especially verse 19 – 20)

 

¹⁹ But his father refused and said, “I know, my son, I know. He too will become a people, and he too will become great. Nevertheless, his younger brother will be greater than he, and his descendants will become a group of nations.” ²⁰ He blessed them that day and said, “In your^[c] name will Israel pronounce this blessing: ‘May God make you like Ephraim and Manasseh.’” So he put Ephraim ahead of Manasseh.

Anyway, I have deviated enough; also, there is no use crying over spilled milk (Jacob and Esau saga). Let’s get back to the issue at hand.

 

In the book of Samuel, we encounter a similar story of Elkanah, Hannah and Peninnah.

 

1 Samuel 1:4-7 NIV

[4] Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. [5] But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb. [6] Because the Lord had closed Hannah’s womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. [7] This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat.

 

In this case, Peninnah tormented Hannah for years because of her barrenness. Unlike Sarai and Hagar, Peninnah was a wife, not a servant, so Hannah could not deal with her severely. She was a wife with all the rights of a wife. I wonder if Elkanah ever spoke to her about her treatment of Hannah, but we know that he spoke to Hannah about being worth more than 10 sons because he loved her. Although his words sounded sweet, they did not calm the raging storm within her or ease the longing for what she was belittled for, i.e., failing to become a mother.

 

Yet again, we see two women at odds with one another because of pride and inability (barrenness). We see the effects of mistreatment in how one woman constantly cried and refused to eat, while the other felt good despite having no control over her own fertility. Peninnah could only have children because the Lord willed and enabled it; it was not her doing that she became a mother. It is by the grace of God, but her behaviour suggested that she boasted in what only the Lord could do, as though she could. She took God’s glory for bringing forth children. How sad is this?

 

Yes, we are women, we have the ability to carry, birth and rear children as per God’s design (i.e., bodies, and nature) but children are gifts from Him (God); we, therefore, cannot have children without His intervention. I am therefore of the view that no person should look at themselves as the paragon of creation or reproduction.

 

Nonetheless, I have an inkling of how these women felt at the aforementioned particular moments when some felt superior and others inferior. In all honesty, both positions are painful, and they rob people of so much, e.g., partnerships, relationships, networks, collaborations, capacitation, support, friendship, counsel, growth, cohesion, etc.

 

Although Isaac is the son of promise, when he was not yet a reality, Ishmael was a prospect. Sarai wanted Hagar to have a son on her behalf, meaning Ishmael should have been hers. What transpired between Hagar, Sarai, and Abram robbed Ishmael of a mother in Sarai; she did not see him as hers. This scenario is clearly seen in Genesis 21 when Sarah wanted Hagar and Ishmael gone; she was not torn about that decision, she just wanted them gone. Abraham was, however, torn because Ishmael was his son.

 

Abraham, Ishmael and Isaac were also casualties in this saga. Isaac and Ishmael were collectively robbed of the opportunity to grow up together in the same home as siblings. They were brothers raised separately and probably differently. Abraham was not present with Ishmael to capacitate and build him as he would have Isaac who was with him. Abraham missed the opportunity to father Ishmael in close proximity. Their relationships were fostered at a distance.

 

Peninnah and Hannah's situation robbed their family of peace and unity. It robbed them of friendship and sisterhood; they were both Elkanah’s wives, and they were stuck with each other. The least they could have done was to build a home that was conducive for a family to grow, strengthen, and progress.

 

Honestly, this was not the plan. The blog I set out to write and the one I am writing are completely different but let us continue. Back to Hagar and Sarai.

 

Hagar ruined things for herself by acting up. When the consequences of her decisions caught up with her, she ran away. People are self-centred and extremely competitive in life; they want to make it or be accomplished. I have a problem with the self-centeredness and sense of self-importance that the pursuit of accomplishment sometimes brings out of some of us. I once heard an acclaimed speaker talking about how the world is consumed with being the only one or the first and how this obsession has swallowed up community, as well as corporate growth and success. We would rather not accomplish anything together, as a collective, or side by side because that would take away individual renown from us. I get what he was saying, some of us want to be “the only ones” in our families and communities; we want to be looked upon as the most successful, and in receiving undue glory, we begin to look at those around us with disdain.

 

People with pride often struggle to lift their peers, communities, etc. because they would rather not feel threatened by others’ potential. They cannot afford to be dethroned (for lack of a better word). They need to be forever enthroned in the eyes, hearts, and minds of those that are around them. This is a sad way of living. People living such lives cannot build proper relationships because they constantly need to be the centre of attention, and in instances whereby they meet others more accomplished than them, their focus changes, and instead of building real relationships, they work harder to surpass or dethrone those that they fear are better. Such people lack peace and contentment. They cannot afford to trust; who will they trust when the not-so-accomplished (“inferior”) are seen as servants or cheerleaders and the most successful (“superior”) as enemies?

 

I should state that some proud people help others, but the assistance is often used as another tool for ensuring that they are always enthroned or esteemed in the eyes of people. The help offered is not from sincere hearts but rather a means to a desired end. There is no single approach that works for every case. Pride is poisonous!

 

Ironically, individuals with pride rely on both those they consider inferior and the superior to survive. The less accomplished (inferior) boost their self-esteem, whilst the successful (superior) frustrate them and ignite their ambition, zeal, and resolve to improve, as well as achieve greater success. Individuals consumed by pride prioritize their own agendas and emotions over the well-being of others; caring about people is a weakness and a hindrance to their pursuit of dominance, as well as emotional stability.

 

This reminds me of Haman in the book Esther chapter 3. He was brimming with pride and entitlement and simmering with anger. The mere idea that someone (Mordecai) did not show him regard by bowing infuriated him. His frustration was further aggravated by the realization that Mordecai was Jewish. Haman drove himself into a rage-induced madness (my words, not the Lord’s) that led to his resolve to annihilate Jews in the land.

 

Esther 3: ¹After these things, King ^[a]Ahasuerus promoted Haman the son of Hammedatha the Agagite and advanced him and set his seat above all the princes who were with him. ² And all the king’s servants who were at the king’s gate bowed down and did reverence to Haman, for the king had so commanded concerning him. But Mordecai did not bow down or do him reverence. ³ Then the king’s servants who were at the king’s gate said to Mordecai, Why do you transgress the king’s command? ⁴ Now when they spoke to him day after day and he paid no attention to them, they told Haman to see whether Mordecai’s conduct would stand, for he had told them that he was a Jew. ⁵ And when Haman saw that Mordecai did not bow down or do him reverence, he was very angry. ⁶ But he scorned laying hands only on Mordecai. So, since they had told him Mordecai’s nationality, Haman sought to destroy all the Jews, the people of Mordecai, throughout the whole kingdom of Ahasuerus.

 

Well, we all know how Haman’s story ended. He met his end with the very instrument he planned to use against the Jews. Oh, Haman, have you not heard?

 

Proverbs 16:18-19 KJV

[18] Pride goeth before destruction, And an haughty spirit before a fall. [19] Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, Than to divide the spoil with the proud

 

1 Peter 5: 5 - 6

5 In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”[a] 6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

 

I am also reminded of Jonah. Jonah’s behaviour when God instructed him to go to Nineveh reflects the characteristics of someone who is prideful. I read the book several times to reach this conclusion. Just examine the sequence of events in chapters 3 and 4 of the book. Jonah got upset that God would forgive the people of Nineveh, yet he was entitled to the gourd that he had not even planted. It was acceptable when grace and mercy were extended to him but not others because they had it coming, just so that the words he spoke could be fulfilled. Mind boggling, I tell you. Listen to this…read this, I meant.

 

Jonah 4: 1 But to Jonah this seemed very wrong, and he became angry. 2 He prayed to the Lord, “Isn’t this what I said, Lord, when I was still at home? That is what I tried to forestall by fleeing to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. 3 Now, Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.”

 

The audacity! He even chose death just because God, in His sovereignty, forgave a people. Tell me that this is not pride. His pride is not only seen at the end of the story but also evident at the beginning: Jonah refused to do what God instructed or purposed because it would benefit those he deemed unworthy. Is this not self-importance? His time, words, etc. would be wasted expressing a warning that would never materialise, so why bother? Some of us fall under this category of pride. We refuse to become who we need to be or do what we need to do because others might benefit more, and we might not be seen as good, successful, efficient, or concise. We withhold our gifts and refrain from walking in our callings because of how God would use us to touch others (pride…pride…pride).

 

Jonah’s issue was not the people of Nineveh; he was his own problem. He wanted the fulfilment of the prophecy he made and disregarded that the reason he was given the prophetic word to start with was for the people to know what was coming and repent. Their salvation was less important than his accuracy in the prophetic. The irony is that he was accurate, but the intended purpose of the warning was, from the onset, repentance and redemption.

 

Why am I even sharing this?

 

Philippians 2:3-5 KJV

[3] Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. [4] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. [5] Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:

 

When we do things, we should not only consider ourselves but also others. We are children of God: pride, selfish ambitions, vain glory, self-centeredness, self-loathing, etc. have no place in our lives.

 

The Word of God in Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (NIV). We need to guard against the superiority and inferiority complex; we need to guard against pride and self-loathing. Our identity is in God and not our accomplishments, titles, lacks, insecurities, failures, etc. We have attached too much value to meaningless things, and we miss meaningful things. God cares about how we treat one another and ourselves. God does not take delight in belittlement, partiality, and all that rubbish. God wants the Church to be a community, a family, one body with many members.

 

We all have roles to play and contributions to make, but these are clouded by meaningless actions aimed at holding each other back to surpass one another. This is not the agenda of the Kingdom of God. The word of God encourages us to love and regard one another. It urges us to support and lift each other up. The word of God promotes oneness among believers.

Mark 12: 29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[e] 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[f] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’[g] There is no commandment greater than these.”

 

We need to really come to a place where we love ourselves and people. This will help our journey. This is how:

 

Love yourself well enough so that you love others just as well. Love yourself enough to reject any inferior or foreign identity someone tries to impose on you; such that wrong perceptions of you do not adversely affect you thus making you question God i.e., His sovereignty and decision making, as well who He made you to be.

 

Love people well. Be kind, caring, gentle, courteous, generous, patient, and compassionate; be cognizant of how your conduct and words affect people. Lift people up and speak well of and to them. You do not know what people are dealing with; even if you know, it is not a reason for you to behave anyhow. Sarai and Hannah struggled with the pain of their barrenness without the added conceit from Hagar and Peninnah; why add to their anguish? The world says you are not responsible for people and their feelings, but we are not of the world; we are believers, and we are our brother's keepers. Do not be the reason someone questions their existence or even the love of God because of your misrepresentation of God and His Kingdom.

 

Accept God's love and your divinely given identity; also, reject anything less or contrary from yourself, as well as people. Accept and receive the assurance that who God says you are is good enough; therefore, accept only what comes from Him. Your inabilities, failures, challenges, accomplishments, titles, etc. make you neither superior nor inferior to others. You are a child of the Living God, the Maker of all things; you are not defined by what your womb cannot carry or what you can birth, you are defined by your Creator, Elohim. You are who He says you are!

 

Love yourself and be so sure of who God made you to be that you value yourself without needing to make others feel inferior or insignificant. See yourself as God sees you and seek to see others as the Lord sees them.

 

2 Corinthians 10:17-18 NIV

[17] But, “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” [18] For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

 

Love yourself well so that you can love others equally.